


Casually

by orphan_account



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Jatthew - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-13 15:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17490797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 11/4/18Matthew swears he doesn't like Jay.Sure, he's cute-- and a really good kisser-- but he has a shit personality. Besides, he's Bridgeton Middle's resident girl-obsessed hetero kid."Everyone gets attached to their first," he tells himself. "You've never had a boy truly like you like that, and that's why you get butterflies every time you see him. It doesn't mean anything.But if that's the truth, why can't he stop thinking about his soft lips? The way he leans back whenever he laughs? The gentle sounds he lets when Matthew sucks on his neck? The utter hatred of even the thought of kissing another boy-- even if it's just for his round in a seemingly never-ending (yet surely entertaining) game of Smooch or Share-- in comparison to him aggressively grabbing Matthew's cheeks as they kiss in a failed attempt at getting even closer?Why can't he stop thinking about Jay?





	1. You woke me up at 2am on a school night for a friend request and a "Hey."?

[ This chapter takes place immediately after the ending scene in s2 ]

Matthew is not a heavy sleeper. His house is usually very quiet, what with his brother who is always away and his parent's utter disinterest in him and one another, combined with the fact he has his notifications from almost every app on silence from 10pm-4pm on school nights. He never had a reason to learn to sleep through loud noises. So, when a loud buzzing from his bedside table at nearly 2 in the morning makes it's way into his dream, it was really no surprise that he immediately shot up, looking utterly lost and confused. When he finally gathered his surroundings and realized Tom Holland was not majestically carrying The Rock across his school stage as a loud buzzing emits from his gaping mouth, rather a regular cell phone was making a regular notification noise, he annoyedly reached for his phone wondering who the hell would text him at such an hour. The bright light his phone let off combined with his lack of eye-contacts made it difficult to see exactly what this notification that just could not wait   'til morning entailed, but after letting his vision focus he realized it was a friend request from Snapchat user /jbilzerian04. 

J Bilzerian? Like, Jay? Jay Bilzerian? Jay, the annoying straight boy he made out with on two separate occasions-- that Jay? Why the hell was Jay sending him a friend request on Snapchat? He had made it perfectly clear anything that had gone on between them was a terrible mistake. He chalked it up to horny teens being horny teens, that combined with the fact they (At the time) thought they could feel no shame whatsoever.  Jay had no feelings for him, neither romantic nor platonic. So why was he trying to friend him on Snapchat? Matthew suddenly remembered, by some miracle, not everything had some deep, life-altering reason for happening. Jay was likely new to Snapchat (he gathered that from the very tiny number under his name, a whopping 14) and just adding everyone from his school. He knew Jessi and Andrew were mutuals, so he likely just got recommended his account from his connection to them. See? Nothing gay or sneaky.  After what ended up being 14 minutes of consultation and confusion, Matthew finally came to that conclusion, and decided to begrudgingly accept the request. He, at this point, was a little more awake and noticed 24 notifications from his Instagram, and 12 text messages. He decided he'd check those quickly and then head back to bed. He ended up with 8 Instagram follows, 12 likes and 4 comments from Instagram, and 5 late goodnights followed by other misc. memes and utter randomness in his Messages. Nothing unusual for 10-1am on a Tuesday.  He clicked his power button and was starting to plug it back into his charger when the screen turned on and the phone buzzed in his hands.

! - 1 new Snap from jbilzerian04 - !

_Jesus Christ,_   Matthew thought, rubbing everyday sleep-gunk out of his eye,  _at 1:48am?_ He clicked the notification as he reached for his glasses which rested nearby on the same bedside table his phone did moments earlier. He slid the big, black-framed glasses onto his face and looked at the underwhelming message. It was a completely black photo that he suspected was taken in the dark, with the caption, _hey._ Matthew pressed the camera to his leg to ensure the photo would be pitch black and snapped a picture. He quickly typed, _Was it worth waking me up at nearly two in the morning on a school night for a friend request and a "hey"?_ He sent the photo and dropped his phone into his lap. He lied back flat on his bed and shut his eyes. He was nearly asleep before he got another buzz, this time silences by his blankets but still oh-so-obviously there. He slowly opened his eyes and picked up his phone.

As expected, there was a single notification,

! - 1 new Snap from jbilzerian04 - !

Another black photo, this time captioned, _sorry I couldnt sleep & I saw u in my recommended_ . Both relief and disappointment swept over him as his suspicions were confirmed. _He got me from his recommendations,_ he thought. _Good._ He was about to send back something along the lines of, _Can I please go back to sleep?_   When he got another notification from jbilzerian04:

_can we talk?_

[Since this is an introductory chapter, it isn't meant to be very long, rather just long enough to decide whether it's worth a read, blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. The next chapters will be 1k words at least.]


	2. Matthew you nervous hoe.

Matthew often fidgeted when he was nervous.

A hand stim here, a leg bounce there.

  But his worst yet most common nervous fidget was biting his fingernails.

And lets just say if Jay kept this bullshit up, Matthew would have nothing but raw fingernail beds.

He had turned off his phone as soon as he read the message, a feeling similar to second-hand embarrassment sweeping over him. It was different than regular embarrassment. It felt like he could avoid this, and patch it up with an early morning, _Sorry, I fell asleep_   text. He couldn't let himself, though, because he was sorta dying to see what happened next. A similar feeling to when you're watching a TV show and a character says some really  dumb shit, and you have to pause the episode and just groan annoyingly, giving yourself time to remember, "It's just a TV show. The outcome can't hurt you." But this outcome can  hurt him.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed in his hands and the screen lit up.

! - 1 new Snap from jbilzerian04 - !

His fingers moved instantly and involuntarily, opening the snap and reading it as if it were second nature.

_if u dont wanna i get it_

_Foreward_ , Matthew thought, _but kind enough to give me wiggle room._ Then Matthew realized, _Oh, he thinks he made it awkward. Well, he did make it awkward.._ Matthew nervously typed out his next message, and captioned it atop a picture of his alarm clock and the other items living on his bedside table. _Sure, Jay. Let's talk_. Matthew sent the message and quickly realized he would not be getting much sleep tonight. 

Jay sent the next message almost instantly, as if he had pre-typed it. _so i know i told u i didnt want us to be a big deal but like i really like u. not like that thou I just think your an amazing person but like im not gay. i don't like boys. i think i just made out with u because it sort of just made sense. im not very good at difrenteating friend and likeing someone and whenever someone says they like me I fall into this obsesiv bit I gues. I think what I'm saying is_ He made a new caption _i really wanna be ur freind_

"He wants to be your 'freind.'" A deep, constantly somewhat sexual voice said from the darkest corner of Matthew's room. The boy looked up just as his Hormone Monster emerged from the dark. Matthew sighed.

"Maurice, now's not the time."  He said, fidgeting in his bed. "I kinda have to deal with somethin' here."

"That's why I'm here, kiddo!" Maury smiled. "This isn't your first rodeo. 'Freind'-zone-wise, I mean."

"I didn't get friend-zoned'" Matthew defended, every inch of him itching to get back to his conversation with Jay. "That was the only zone I ever considered us landing."

"You made out with him. Twice." The Monster deadpanned. 

"How are you able to excuse Andrew and Lola humping like dogs, saying it's just 'two horny kids getting their rocks off,'" Matthew argued, "But I so much as kiss a boy and I'm automatically in love with him?" Matthew crossed his arms and huffed. "Sounds like double standards to me."

Maurice silently walked over to the young boy's bed, and sat down cross-legged on the edge. Is a hushed voice, he said, "Everyone gets attached to their first." And disappeared as if he were never there.

Matthew flopped onto his back with a sigh. He held his phone above his head and read the message again. In the chat, he said,  _Ditto._

! - Jay read your message - !

And after 5 minutes of no reply, he plugged up his phone and tried to go back to sleep. Key word tried. After 27 exact minutes of discomfort and an annoyed inability to go back to sleep, he sat up, defeated. He reached for his phone and glasses. When he saw the two missed messages from Jay, he nearly dropped his device. One from 22 minutes ago, and one from 14 minutes ago.

_are you upset with me?_

_ill take that as a yes. im sorry_.

Matthew frantically types out an apology, making sure it isn't too short not to seem sentimental, but also not so wordy it seems fake. _No, no! You're fine. Promise. It's just a little late. I'm not all here I guess._ He hits send and waits. Seconds feel like minutes, and when he doesn't get a reply within the next two minutes, he types, _What made you think I was upset?_ For the next three minutes, Matthew stares intently at his phone, making sure his phone doesn't turn off and he doesn't fall asleep. When the notification pops up, it surprises him.

! - 1 new Snap from jbilzerian03 - !

He opens it, and immediately regrets his haste.

_ditto is like the gay guys version of a straight girls 'k'_

"Oh Jesus-fucking-Christ." Matthew says, immediately dropping his phone and filling his hands with his head in exasperation.  He lets out a soft laugh, which he is upset with himself for, but then he thinks. He's friends with Jay Bilzerian now. The list of things he needs to be hard on himself about has had to have gotten way shorter if he's suddenly friends with that briefly homophobic, incredibly dense and politically ignorant hetero bulldog of a man- well, boy.  And maybe it's for the better. Maybe this will really, truly help him. Maybe not being allowed to love someone else will finally give him reason to learn to love himself. 


	3. whats up you funky lesbian

Matthew was somehow both nervous and at ease. Jay had accepted his apology from the night before, and they had spent the next 2 hours talking about this and that, before Jay had recommended Matthew went to sleep because, ur baby blue eyes are turning red with tiredness.  
And so he did. He said goodnight at 4:30 in the morning, and peacefully slept a full 45 minutes before waking up for school.  
Exhilarating.   
Halfway through the night, they had switched from black screens and bedside table accessory-pics to actual face-with-filter snaps, and eventually to naked faces. It was at this time Matthew realized Jay was most certainly not wearing a shirt. A simple, unimportant piece of information that totally threw Matthew off and earned an unwanted visit from his Hormone Monster.  
"Send him a dick-pick!"  
"You literally said he friend-zoned me like an hour ago!"  
"Perhaps."  
Matthew ended up not  sending a dick pick, after minutes of arguing that some people just go to bed topless.  
He did notice, however, the pictures got a little further down each time, until the second-to-last picture, where it was just Jay's neck and front. Classy.  
He may not have sent his penis, but once the photos no longer included the top of Jay's head, he definitely unbuttoned the top button of his pajamas. Just because it's a little hot in here.  
The last picture was a smiling, dreary-eyed boy with his head rested in his hand, eyes almost closed and hair hypnotically messy, holding a peace-sign by his face underneath the caption, night mattie :)  
Matthew didn't like the feminization of his newly-given nickname, but it was unique and unexpected enough that he let it slide; His lack of intervention definitely had nothing to do with the cutest fucking picture he'd ever received and certainly not  screenshotted.   
-  
The next morning, Matthew was tiredly making his way to advisory when he saw Jay, leaned up against the wall next to some girl's locker. He had his hand on his hip and she was smiling and giggling-- you know, the works.  
Matthew wasn't mad per-se-- he had no reason to be-- rather, he was upset. A little sad, though he didn't know why. He took a deep breath, puffed out his chest, and walked right by them. Maybe he expected Jay to notice him, and when he didn't, he was both relieved and a little distressed. They had advisory together, so it wasn't like he was avoiding him.  
He sat down in his seat and waited. For what, he had no clue. For advisory to start? For his classmates to arrive? For Jay to arrive?  
That last one never happened.   
It wasn't uncommon for Jay to be late to a class. His excuses varied from a lock that wouldn't budge to a food-massacre in the cafeteria, but either way he always managed to make his explanations funny.  
Matthew remembered the previous week, the day of the school sleepover, he barged in covered in streamers explaining how he was "only trying to help decorate" when the 6th grade choir kids started hurling party necessities at him.   
"I barely escaped with my life!" He had pressed, exaggerating every movement with an overwhelming need to entertain clawing it's way from his very soul.  
Matthew let out a silent laugh at the thought. Well, less of a laugh and more of a harsh breath of air through his nose as he smiled down at his desk. Potato-Patato.  
Though often late, Jay wasn't one to skip a class entirely. He took great pride in the fact he had nearly every class with his friends, and he'd never purposefully avoid spending time with them. Even if for the pretty 8th-grade girl Matthew saw him at his locker with. He wouldn't.  
Would he?  
-  
Jay only returned for lunch, when he- looking dazed but otherwise unaffected- practically slammed his trey down in front of Andrew with the very loud, echoed words, "I have a question!" hastily escaping his mouth (which he filled with a whole calzone soon thereafter.)  
Matthew tried his best to overhear their conversation as he slowly lurked across the cafeteria, but could barely make out Jay's ramblings over the other loud, rowdy middle-schoolers.   
He finally gave up and quickened his pace as he hauled his tray out the cafeteria doors and into the library.  
The large library doors  boomed behind him as they shut him in. It was quiet, save for the quiet Disney music coming from the check-out station, and the buzzing of the overhead lights.  
"Hello, Matthew!" A sweet voice called from behind the check-out desk. A petite, older, dark skinned woman poked her head above the desk. She fixed her glasses and stood fully, leaning across the desk to greet the younger boy. She extended her hand, waiting for a handshake.  
Matthew sat his food down on one of the tables and walked towards Ms. O'Kennedy, the librarian. "Hey Mary," he said, grinning. Something about her always made him happier. "How are you?"  
"I'm a single, old lesbian whose closest friend is a thirteen-year-old boy." She deadpanned, "I'm doing just fine!"  
Matthew laughed, pulling up a chair to the checkout desk. "What about you?" Ms. O'K continued.  
"Tired." He sighed, resting his head in his hand as he poked and prodded at the stale food on his tray. He knew Mary would definitely have some nice treats behind her desk, and if he showed enough disinterest in the school lunch he'd certainly get some.  
"Well now, I could've guessed that." She said, plopping down into the roley chair stationed behind her desk. She spun once before stopping herself by slamming her hands on the table, "What kept you up?"  
Matthew was quiet for a second, before settling his eyes on his tray and saying, "I just couldn't fall asleep." Ms. O'Kennedy frowned.  
"Nuh-uh. No. I know a lyin' face when I see one." She says, pushing her chair back and pulling her legs up, crossing them at the ankles while they rest on the tabletop, inches from Matthew's food. He pushes the tray a few inches away.  
She waits for him the tell the truth, her arms crossed behind her head and her body halfway down the chair. She opens one eye to look at the boy who just isn't taking the hint.  
"Well, come on now. Out with it." She persists, leaning forward a bit. Her chair scoots and she jumps, quickly taking her feet off the desk and adjusting herself so that she wont slip off the chair and break her tailbone. She brushes her lap.   
Matthew sighs. "I got a text at, like, 2 in the morning from a guy who goes here. He 'wanted to talk.'" Mary leans foreword, intrigued.  
"Oh?" She says.  
"Yeah. We talked until, like, 4:30 about..." Matthew pauses. "...A lot of stuff. Then he told me to go  to bed because I looked tired."  
"He knew how you looked? What kind of stuff were you talking about?" Mary asked. She was a very inquisitive person, and had to know every last detail before she could even begin to give advice, or even understand what was happening at all. That made her a very interesting librarian.   
Matthew first met her in fourth grade. She worked at his elementary school for a year after their old librarian got pregnant and went on maternity leave. They needed someone to fill the spot, hence Ms. O'Kennedy..  
She was very cheerful and joked around with anyone who came into the library. She always had music playing, and actually encouraged being noisy. She'd say, "Kids are too quiet! Make some noise, have some fun! Life's not as long as you think!"  
She told them stories and played games, she even offered tests (that she made herself) that were meant to decide what type of book each person would like most. They were surprisingly accurate.   
She held tutoring sessions afterschool for all types of subjects-- all except math. "Math's changed a lot. Why would you need to change math? Math's math!" She even taught the younger kids how to read better, holding miniature spelling bees for all sorts of kids to attend.  
Needless to say, everyone loved her.  
There are three elementary schools in Matthew's area, one for the more heavily populated area, one for the regular suburbs, and one further out into the country where the people are scarce. He went to the city-ish one. He lived further north, though, so a lot of the kids who went to his elementary ended up going to the city middle school. He ended up packed in with the suburban and "country" kids- thought you cant really have country kids in New York- in his current middle school. Basically, this was just a longwinded way of explaining that everyone else in his middle school had no clue who Ms. O'Kennedy was, and because of that, they didn't really like her.  
Most of the kids who went to the library went there for quiet, so when they were met with Disney music and loud talking... Let's just say they aren't too happy.  
She's been reported to the administrators many times for "disrupting class," though the library walls are soundproof, and there aren't any classes nearby. Those who report her are all just "butthurt nerds" as Ms. O'K called them once while she had been ranting to Matthew about the incidents. She never got in trouble, but it was definitely an annoying thing to have to deal with week after week after week.  
When Matthew first went to the library in 6th grade, he instantly fell back in love with the place. It was nice to be able to be childish and truly have fun without being picked on or made  fun of. He started making excuses to see Mary every day, though they weren't really necessary, seeing as she practically begged him to see her.  
"Y'know, you were my favorite. You were reserved, but you knew how to have fun." she had told him once when they were reminiscing on the "old days."  
He started going to the library during lunch about two months into his 6th grade year.  
It was a struggle to find a seat in the cafeteria, because it seemed everyone had already find their friend groups- and it didn't look like they'd be mix-n-matching anytime soon.  
He'd often leave his lunchbox in his locker and ask to use the restroom about five minutes before lunch. Then, he'd grab his lunch and go to the boy's room, where he'd stay throughout all of his lunch period. It was only when he dropped his sandwich into the toilet that he decided eating there probably wasn't the best idea.  
He asked Ms. OK if he could eat in there, and she obliged. Hence: their rocking friendship.  
They talked about anything, and it was rarely awkward. Matthew always knew she gave of a Sapphic vibe, but it wasn't until she told an incredibly in-depth version of her divorce story that his theories were confirmed. Mary, needlessly to say, had no trouble finding out Matthew. Maybe it was the voice- maybe his style- but it was more likely the fact that the first day they reunited he was most certainly checking one of his classmates out in the library. (In his defense, the guy was wearing those weird football leggings, and the sports section is on one of the bottom shelves.)  
But, currently, they were discussing a very different boy- one Matthew most certainly was not attracted to. (Yeah, that's my shitty attempt at fixing the mess I put myself in.)  
"We were using Snapchat." He clarified. "And I honestly couldn't tell you a single thing we talked about."  
Mary pouts. "Well, that's just boring." She says, leaning back in her chair. She begins to prop her feet up on the desk again. "Are you sure you can't  remember anything you talked about?"  
Matthew sighs. "Well, I mean, he messaged me to say," He pauses, thinking of some way to phrase this. "Basically 'hey I know we made out twice but I'm totally straight l-o-l. lets be friends.' and then proceeded to be unbelievably gay."  
Mary's eyes widened. "You made out twice?" She whisper-yells. "Matthew, the last time we talked you hadn't had your first kiss. You have one school sleepover and: Blammo!"  
Matthew's face involuntarily turns a shade darker at being called out. "Well, I mean, the first was for, like, a fucked up Spin the Bottle-Truth or Dare mashup, but the second was.. Different?"  
Ms. OK rubs her temples. "You are a disaster."  
"I know, b-"  
"He is a disaster."  
"Yeah, but l-"  
"You're both a level 30-type Hurricane sized unnatural disaster." She says, having leaned in close. She pulls her face away and starts munching on a peanut-butter cookie Matthew assumes was under her desk. "He just wants to be friends?"  
"Basically." Matthew mutters, eyeing the cookie.   
Mary reaches under her desk and retrieves another. "Then you know what you have to do, right?"  
"Accept that he was just experimenting and honestly doesn't have any feelings for me, appreciate the fact he even wants to be my friend, and cherish whatever relationship I'm able to have with him?"  
"Nope." she says. She sets the cookie down in front of the boy. He reaches for it.  
"You're gonna make him fall head-over-heels in kid-love with you." She drags the cookie off the desks and doesn't look down when it shatters on the library floor.  
"..But first we're gonna clean that up."  
"Yeah that wasn't what you were planning was it?" He asks, looking past the desk at the mess on the floor.  
"Honestly, I was just making it up as I went along." She admits.  
"Figures."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im taking this all from wattpad and im too lazy to read over it but my authors note at the beginning suggests I made a lot of past-present writing related issues so I mean. watch out for that ig.

After cleaning up a wasted cookie, I sat back down across from Ms. OK, almost just as confused as before.   
"I don't really think trying to get a straight boy to 'fall in kid-love' with me is gonna- what's the word?- work." I sigh. She hands me a cookie that hasn't been on the floor.   
"You said he made out with you twice?" Mary says with a mouthful of peanut-buttery goodness.   
"Yeah. But once it was a dare-type deal." I say, eyeing the treat in my hand.  
"Once." She enunciates, grinning with a closed mouth.  
I frown. "Okay, sure, he willingly made out with me one whole time." I admit. "But, halfway through he said 'a mouth's a mouth.'"  
"Ooh."   
"Yeah." I sigh, taking a bite of the cookie.  
"No, that's some gay shit, Matthew. Un-sigh."  
I take a comical gasp of air, and momentarily choke on the cookie. Ms. O'Kennedy laughs and I join in, (after I've safely ridden my mouth of apparently deadly crumbs, that is.)   
"But really, how is that a good thing?" I ask, slouching in the hard metal chair. Mary grins.  
"You say he isn't gay, yes?" She asks. I nod. No matter how well I know her, I don't think I'll ever be used to a teacher talking about my- or anyone else's- sexuality.  
"But he doesn't care about what mouth is on his..?" She says, leaning closer. Her eyes are wide and her eyebrows are raised. She's trying to give me a hint without blatantly saying anything, I've gathered.  
Suddenly, it clicks, and I jump slightly in surprise. My face almost matches hers. "You don't think he's bi, do you?"  
Ms. OK shrugs. "You never know until you ask." She says, taking another bite of her cookie.   
Before I can say anything in response, the lunch bell rings, informing me it's time to head to my 5th period class. I say goodbye to Mary, and she gives me a parting cookie (despite the fact I haven't even finished the first one) as well as an expecting look. She really wants me to ask this boy whether or not he's bisexual, doesn't she.  
I grab my tray and walk out of the library. I make my way to the cafeteria, racking my brain trying to find any way I could ask him that without seeming psychotic. That isn't the type of thing you ask the boy who just said he isn't into boys, Matthew.  I tell myself. Then again, he's so dense that he just might think it's a completely normal topic. That, or he's so dense that he'll think it's extra weird. Many-a-type of densery at play here.  
I dump my tray in the cafeteria trashcan and start making my way back to class.  
-  
After lunch is health.  
The class used to be taught by Coach Steve, but since the whole school sleepover debacle, he was (thankfully) laid off.  
I didn't have anything against the man personally, he was just not cut out to be a sex-ed teacher. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even have a college degree; They really do just let anyone into this school.  
Anyway, today is the day our new teacher is in. We've been having the same sub since Steve was fired, and let's just say she wasn't the most progressive type. She suggested that, during the playing of an educational video on male biology, I should go to the library with the, quote, "rest of the girls."  
Needless to say I wasn't exactly her biggest fan.  
Matthew walks into the room moments before the bell rings, and hastily plops onto his seat and retrieves a pencil from his pack pocket.  
He looks at the board and sees the name Mrs. Wells  written in purple marker. This will be interesting, he thinks. He has yet to notice a teacher in the room.   
It's not until ten minutes into the class that the supposed Mrs. Wells appears, rushed and grumpy as she lugs a purse, a coffee thermos, and a gigantic binder into the classroom, and practically throws them onto her desk. She plops into the spinny chair and sighs dramatically, before holding her head in her hands as she groans loudly. She suddenly perks up and faces her students, as if she only just now noticed they were there. She clears her throat.  
"Hello. I'm Mrs. Wells," She introduces, standing up and hastily rearranging the mess on her desk, looking embarrassed and nervous. "Sorry I'm late, this is my first day and I'm sort of all over the place." She laughs nervously.   
She talks quietly and quickly, and her voice is sort of wavering. She isn't that thin, but isn't necessarily chubby either. She has tan skin, and black hair, and wears thick glasses over her brown eyes. She sports a pair of khakis with a blue t-shirt tucked into them, and she's wearing sandals. Both her finger and toe-nails are painted bright green.  
She looks.. interesting.  
She begins rambling about how she went out for lunch but got caught in terrible  mid-day traffic, and then  begins rambling about how her students surely don't want to hear her rambling. All the while she's trying to organize her desk.   
Suddenly, the classroom door is opened, drawing everyone's- including the nervous new Health instructor- attention to the disheveled Jay standing in the doorway. Mrs. Wells suddenly stands and placer her hands on her hips.   
"You are very  late." She says.  
"I know." He admits.  
"I would hope this isn't to become a regular occurance, Mr.."  
"Bilzerian. And I wouldn't be surprised if it did."   
Jay doesn't even look for a seat near his friends, and instead flops exhaustedly into an empty seat in the front, leaving a single, uninhabited seat between him and Matthew.  
Mrs. Wells "confidence" fades at the boy's nonchalance, and her hands drop from her waist awkwardly. "Well, I hope you'd at least- uh- try  to make it to class on time."  
"You're one to talk." an unidentifiable voice from the back sounds. A few students stifle laughter, and a few other look disappointedly towards the origin of the comment, but Jay simply sits with his head in his hands, staring blankly at the desk, which catches Matthew's attention.  
He readies himself before turning towards Jay. "Hey, are you okay?" He asks. Jay lifts his head.   
"What?" he mouths.   
"Are you okay." Matthew says a little louder.  
Jay seems annoyed, as well as confused, which worries Matthew. "I can't understand you." He grumbles.  
Matthew sighs and looks up to Mrs. Wells, who seems nervously fixated on this supposed class clown, and is ignoring his side of the class room. He grabs his binder and stands, crouching, as he makes his way to the seat beside Jay. A few eyes make their way to him, but quickly look away. Switching seats isn't too uncommon, anyway.  
Jay looks properly upset now, and Matthew speculates he has a headache or something.   
"I said, are you okay?" He repeats. Jay frowns.  
"Just peachy." He grins sarcastically. His face drops and returns to his hands, leaving Matthew awkwardly sitting next to him in mask silence. The type of silence when you say something weird in a busy place, and even though there's still noise, everything seems quiet except for your racing heartbeat as you wonder, was it something I said?  
He rubs the back of his neck and tries to think of something to say. He's never seen Jay upset this way before. It's nothing like his anger at the school sleepover, or when he fucks up a magic trick. He seems tired, and upset, and just plain done.   
Matthew sighs. "Are you mad at me?" He asks. Why, he doesn't really know. He can't think of anything he's done wrong in particular. At least, not recently. Nothing that would make Jay this mad.  
Jay raises his head and looks at Matthew. The anger seems mostly gone, replaced with confusion and concern. Matthew sits, facing him in his seat, his legs together and his hands folded in his lap. His shoulders are drooped, and pulled together, and his face is merely sad, mixed with the tiniest bit of fright.  
Jay raises a hand slightly, as if considering something, before putting it in his lap. He opens his mouth to talk, before closing it. He's considering his words oh so carefully.  
"I'm not mad at you." He whispers, sort of reassuringly. "I'm kind of mad at myself? If that makes any sense."  
"Why?" Matthew asks, his face now echoing concern.   
Mrs. Wells interrupts them, clearing her throat in the front of the room. Matthew jumps, and scoots away from the other boy, turning to face the teacher in the front of the room. Jay hesitantly does the same.   
The room begins to quiet, with conversations dying out until the only sound is the buzzing of the harsh overhead classroom lights and the light rapping of someone's fingers on a desk behind the two boys. The teacher clears her throat again.  
She begins to introduce herself more thoroughly, telling where she's from and even going as far as telling her children's birthdays. So she's gonna be that kind of teacher.  
After a few minutes, a folded piece of notebook paper lands on Matthew's desk, and he witnesses a tan hand retreat back into Jay's lap. His gaze doesn't leave the teacher the entire time, which leads Matthew to believe this isn't his first "pass notes in the middle of class"-style rodeo.  
He slides the paper into his lap, and begins to unfold it, trying to make as little noise as possible. He doesn't succeed in that department, but it opens nonetheless. He starts to read it.  
what were u saying  
Matthew grabs his pencil and writes back,  
I asked why you were mad at yourself.  
He hands the note back to Jay, who frowns with his lack of sneak-ery. Jay grabs the note and reads it over, taking a surprisingly long time to read and answer. Maybe he's illiterate?  
When Matthew finally gets the note back, he finds that it reads, "can we not talk abt it now??"  
Sure.  
Wanna skip 6th?  
Matthew hesitantly hands the paper back. He's never skipped a class before, and he promised himself he'd at least try to attend most, if not all his classes.  
'Guess he's breakin' that promise.  
When the paper is returned, he's a little taken aback. He wonders if he may have discovered a new type of embarrassment.  
oh so ur a bad boy now?  
It's safe to say Matthew nearly yelled in that moment. It was obvious Jay meant no harm, but even the most clean person on Earth could not look at that paper and say they don't find It the least bit sexual.  
This boy was gonna be the death of Matthew.  
After a momentary heart attack, Matthew wrote back.  
Firstly, I can be a total bad boy if I want- I just don't want. Secondly-- never say that again. Ever.  
He hands the paper back, his face beat red.  
sure u can. no promises.  
yeah, ill skip  
whats your plan?  
Matthew grabs the paper a little too enthusiastically.  
I don't know. Maybe just say you have to use the restroom when 6th first starts. Or just skip it all together, it's up to you, He writes. He quickly hands the paper back to Jay, both of them having completely abandoned all attempts at discretion.   
He sees Jay stifle a laugh. The boy begins writing, before passing the paper back with a smile on his face.  
I meant what do u wanna do while we skip lol  
Matthew retrieves the paper and his face turns a little red. Oh. My bad.  
ur fine lol :)  
Matthew folds up the paper and glances at the clock. There are still fourty-two minutes left in class, and Matthew is suddenly exhausted.  He glances at Mrs. Wells and sees that she's distracted by her hectic desk, and seems to be pulling up a movie on the projector. He decides to lay his head down, just for a few minutes.   
His eyes snap open to the sound of the bell ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is. half a chapter. die mad. the next one is still being written so. lmao watch tf out


	5. livin' the dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> staying in present or past tense throughout a whole work? I don't know her
> 
> also this is hella story because I. hate this fbsja ok enjoy later hets

He swears he didn't mean to sleep through all of class. You'd think that, by now, he'd have realized he truly didn't have control of half the things he did, but alas. He rubs his eyes and groggily climbs out of the desk. He picks up his bookbag and turns towards the door, and sees Jay standing awkwardly in the doorway, waiting. "Hey." He hears. He smiles softly.  
"Hey."  
"Lets skip altogether, yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
They don't talk anymore for the rest of the trip. Despite having suggested skipping in the first place, Matthew didn't really know where they were going. He just knew what he was going to say... Well, kinda.  
He followed Jay down the hall, his attempts at looking inconspicuous only making him more suspicious-seeming. They stop at a label-less door between one labelled Teachers Lounge and another labelled Employee Ba hroom- it was missing a letter.  
Matthew opens his mouth to ask a question, but is interrupted. "There are no cameras trained on this door." Jay says, crouching so that his eyes are even with the doorknob. "So no one'll see me do this."  
He takes a bobby pin out of his jean-pocket.  
"How juvenile." Matthew jokes. He hears a half-laugh escape Jay's mouth. "Do you just... carry bobby pins with you at all times?"  
"Yes."  
"...Why?"  
The door clicks. "Is this not explanation enough?" He stands.  
"I guess so."  
"Alright then." He turns the handle and slowly opens the door. Matthew is met with a gust of warm air, and lights brighter than the fluorescent ones he was expecting.   
The door lead outside.  
"Huh." Matthew ponders, stepping onto the dead grass. Jay closes the door behind them. "We're.. outside now."  
"Yeah."  
Silence.  
Matthew takes this moment to take in exactly where they are. He figures this door wasn't in the original plan, as it doesn't really make much sense in the place it is. Past the door is a narrow path with red bricks on each side. There are no windows facing in on the two rooms they're squished between, nor are there any on the door. The "path" isn't very long, probably only about 8-10 feet. After that, the school walls end and it opens out into a hilly area covered with trees.  
I mean, it's okay...  
Jay walks forward a few feet and flops back against the left "wall" (If you want to call it that.) and closes his eyes. He tilts his head up just slightly, and parts his lips to take a soft breath.  
What a view.  
Matthew follows in the other boy's footsteps and flops against the wall across from Jay. He has one foot on the ground and one against the wall, and he figures, if it weren't for he fact he's practically "shaking in his little gay boots", he'd seem pretty damn cool right now. Skipping class with the boy he likes, sneaking out of school to do jack-shit? Not exactly what he envisioned his 8th grade year to be.  
It's almost peaceful.  
But then he remembers exactly why he wanted to talk with Jay. He remembers that he promised Ms. OK he'd talk with him about it today.. and he's no longer "almost at peace."  
He's back to being a nervous wreck.  
The entire "feel" that they had originally had when picking locked doors and doing nothing but being with each other is gone. Both boys realize. Both boys are on edge.  
They lean against the wall across from one another, both unaware of just how fast the others heart is beating. Both thinking the other is nervous for another reason.  
“I want to ask you something.” Matthew asks, his voice wavering despite his attempts to seem nonchalant. Here we go.  
“Yeah?” Jay asks, a little too eagerly. Matthew tries to swallow the lump in his throat. It doesn't budge.  
He feels like he's about to cry, and he has an almost unfightable urge to yell. He wants to yell. He wants to just start screaming.  
But he doesn't. He swallows at the lump in his throat until he's confident he'll speak his way around it. He won't fuck this up.  
“So, I know you said you aren't gay- which I totally get!” Matthew rushes. “I totally understand if you were just, like, experimenting,” He takes a deep breath, any attempt at feigning confidence having abandoning the nervous boy the second he asked Jay to skip 6th with him. “But…”  
“Why me? Why'd you kiss me?”  
Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Unnerving silence. Both boys avoid eye contact.  
Fearing he messed up, Matthew says, “Am I really that easy?” followed by a forced laugh. It wasn't really a joke, though.  
A few seconds go by without noise. Jay continues to stare at his feet, being so uncharacteristically quiet. Matthew thinks this may be the only time he's ever seen Jay so serious.  
Jay breathes deep, and Matthew wonders whether he was actually holding his breath. He starts to speak, but his face breaks into a tiny smile instead.  
He laughs.  
Its quiet at first, almost hidden, but then it gets louder and more real.  
Matthew looks at him, confused and upset. “What's so funny?” he asks.  
Jay laughs more.  
At this point, he's leaning forward- away from the wall he's been resting upon. His laughter turns to a simple smile, and he looks up at the other boy, with soft eyes and an even softer smile.  
Against Matthew's will, he blushes. Even he is smiling now. Jay leans up, and places a reassuring hand on the other boy's shoulder. Matthew flinches.  
“You aren't ‘easy.’” he says, his head tilting and his body language so open. “You are so far from ‘easy’”  
Matthew's face scrunches. “What?” he asks, so so aware of how close they are. How they're touching.  
Jay seemingly ignores the question. “I don't know why I kissed you.” He says, the tone changing in an instant. His smile falls and he lets his hand drop from Matthew's shoulder slowly, seemingly tracing the boy's arm in the act. Matthew shudders. His hand finally reaches Matthew's. Jay feels the other boy's warm skin against his own as their hands clasp together. His breath is labored and his cheeks are dusted pink. His pursed lips seperate and he speaks,  
“But I want to do it again”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok I'm aware of the painful transition between the overall.. feel.. of the work, but in my defense, I wrote the 2nd half a month ago on the bus ride home, so I wasn't exactly workin with the same shit ig. anyway yw I pulled this out of my ass in a day. god writing is exhausting. I'm gonna take a tiny break from this though because I really wanna get started on my simarkus fic before I lose my goddamn mind. ill still be updating this, but I wont just be copypasting from wattpad anymore, so expect about a week before the next update ig. no one reads this lmao ok bye


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